Interrupting

So funny story, I actually had just about finished writing Part 3 of my ponderings on finding a balance when I accidentally hit a button erasing all but the word "would" and the draft was saved just as that happened. I have not yet had the time to remember what I wrote and write again, but right now I am feeling the need to ramble on a different topic.

My life is strange. I've always been filled with doubts and insecurities about myself. Wondering if people are sincere in their affections towards me has always been a constant. I don't find much value in myself. While this area of my life is getting better, there are still many things with which I struggle.

I'm not looking for a guy. At times I think it would be nice...I have days where I just want to cuddle with a nice-smelling boy, but in general, I'm fairly content being single.

But my heart hurts. There are things that I want...so badly...there are things that I'm afraid to vocalize that I want. And I can't have everything I want. And this is okay, really. I mean, I know God is teaching me patience and these experiences will help me encourage others who may go through similar things. But I can't deny that my heart has been broken and it's not completely healed. I've made progress, I've had set backs...it's getting better.
But it's not healed.

I don't know when it will be. Sometimes I think I'm close, that I could move on from everything that's happened in the last 2 years...and then a guy expresses interest and it hits me...I'm still damaged. Never mind the fact that these situations are often complicated enough by themselves...how can I even think about...I have no right.

God has plans for my life. I have to trust that all of this has happened for a reason.
I don't want to be bitter...