And that's the way it is

Sometimes things happen that just slap you in the face.
You feel like it's not your life...
But it is.
And there's nothing you can do about it.

Welp...I'm really doing it...

So...once upon a time...I thought I wanted to move to California...

Apparently, I'm actually moving to California. God is doing some crazy things in my life and I am excited. And terrified, but mostly excited.

I am in the process of buying a car out there. I bought luggage so that I can actually take some things with me. I just bought my plane ticket.

I leave January 5, 2012...which coincidentally is Sarah and James' wedding anniversary, meaning I will get there in time to watch the kids while they take some alone time.

Somehow...I've managed to save up enough money that even if I don't find a job right away, I should be covered on necessary expenses.

I honestly don't know if I thought this was really going to happen, but it is...it is happening.
This is happening.

God is good.

Oh Life, how you plague me.

Life is confusing.
And complicated.
Meh.

Giving up control is not easy. I don't necessarily feel like I need to plan the rest of my life out...but what I thought was going to be my life for at least the next year...is possibly looking like it won't be my life...
Of course, it still may happen that I will stay in Indiana for a year and see what happens after that. It may not.

As my time is ending in California, I seem to have an increasingly uncomfortable sensation in the tummy area. I love it here. I can't lie to anyone about that. It's been incredible to feel like part of a church family. It's been fun living with college boys instead of college girls. I absolutely adore my niece and nephew. I feel like I've made some really good friends...
Previously my experiences with California have been largely positive, but the main draw was being close to my sister. Now all these other factors are swirling around in my mind and confusing me.

I had the skeleton of a plan. I felt good...settled...at peace...about it. But so much has happened...a lot of it not even directly to me...that makes me question those bones.

I know I need to let go...but where is the line between allowing God control and getting lazy about making decisions? BAH! Life.

Well...if you read this...and you think about it...please pray for direction.

Finding A Balance (Part 3)

Something that has always bothered me, especially recently, is the way most modern women desire to lose weight.

Through all of middle school and half of high school I thought I was fat. I was heavier than most of the girls in my grade and had no idea how to dress in a way that worked with that. It didn't help that my school was fairly small, focused on athletics, and there were a surprising number of families that were fairly well-off. I suck at sports and I didn't have a lot of money so combining that with my perceived weight flaws, I felt extremely out of place and lonely.
Around the time that I was a junior, I decided that I was going to lose weight. I didn't want to be fat anymore. I wanted boys to think I was pretty. I wanted to wear cute clothes that seemed to only come in sizes for tiny people.
So I did. I lost weight...rather unhealthily I might add.

When I graduated high school I weighed 130 pounds. I knew I was unhealthy. But I loved the change that had come from being skinny. People paid more attention to me. Boys flirted with me and told me that I was hott. I fit into clothes that I never imagined I could.
My grandpa stopped telling me I was fat.
I mean, I wasn't happy...even though people had stopped ignoring me, it wasn't like they talked to me because of me. It was more acceptable to be "friends" with someone who was considered attractive. I was still lonely and miserable...trying to find the balance.

After I graduated, I decided I wanted to change my life around. I had gotten into a lot of bad habits in high school (not all of them weight related) and I wanted to be better.
I decided to start eating right...the problem is that I gained a lot of weight very quickly...because that's what your body does when you start eating again after you haven't...
Long story short, over the course of 4 years, I gained 50 pounds (most of that in the first year and a half), graduating college at an even 180. It's probably safe to say that I had completely screwed up my metabolism...

Anyone, especially girls, who has gained a significant amount of weight in a relatively short time knows how horrible of a feeling that is. You think it'd be fun shopping for a whole new wardrobe...yeah not so much when it's because you can't fit into any of your clothes anymore. You feel like your body isn't yours...you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you can see is the revolting fat. You certainly don't feel pretty.
It makes you desperate to lose the weight.

College was so stressful for me that I didn't really have time to work out and if I didn't eat I would pass out...and certain people would scold me...And because I knew that I was paying the consequences of my choices in high school...I think I decided if I kept busy enough I could forget about how much I was gaining. I also had a very serious boyfriend...and while there were breakthroughs in my self-esteem, even he could not convince me that I was attractive.

Towards the end of college, I finally began to let it go. I have some very close friends that are heavier than me that carry the weight confidently and beautifully and it helped me to see that it isn't really what shape you are, but your mentality concerning it. I did do my best to make healthier choices, especially my senior year, and while I wanted to lose weight, it wasn't making me anxious anymore. I wasn't looking in the mirror wishing I was someone else.
The goal shifted from wanting to be skinny to wanting to be healthy, to finding that balance.

I think something a lot of women don't want to accept is that we are all built differently. We can't all be size 2. In fact, most of us should not be. Everyone knows that the media portrays beauty as thin. We see people like Kate Hudson, Megan Fox, Keira Knightley...all incredibly thin. Most of us are not made to be that small. But even women like Sandra Bullock, Mandy Moore, and Drew Barrymore are around a size 8 and most of us are not even made to be that small. It's generally said that the average size for American women is 14, not to say there are not celebrities that are that size...but what do we say about women like that? Things such as "she looks good for her size." Why can't it just be "she looks good"?

It's so frustrating to me that weight has become such a big deal. I understand when mothers say they want to lose weight so they can be healthy so they can set a good example for their children. But I have to wonder...if you are eating healthily and staying active...but you don't lose weight...isn't obsessing over that and trying to come up with new ways to get skinny setting just as bad of an example?

Where is the balance?

Can you be healthy and happy at a heavier weight? Do you need to be skinny to be attractive?

I've recently started watching a lot of makeover shows, specifically What Not to Wear and Style by Jury. One thing that I LOVE about these shows is that they never try to change the body type. They NEVER try to tell the person to lose weight. Actually on Style by Jury I have seen them ask multiple people to gain weight to be healthy.
And it never fails, at the end of the makeover, these women are seen as confident and sexy, no matter what their size.

It's taken me a long time to get where I am. I feel good about myself. I feel happy with my weight. I have apparently lost 10 pounds this summer...and I find it intriguing that it only happened once I stopped thinking about my weight. I'm not trying to lose weight. I am however doing my best to be healthy. And I am a million times happier than I was before.

I wish more people could feel more comfortable in their own skin...even if there's more of it than they'd like.

I wish we could all find a balance.

Well...

I am being tested in a way I have never encountered before.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say or think.

I don't understand what's going on and how it's happening to me.

And I can't even talk about it.

So don't ask, but if you read this, please pray for me.

Because I really don't know what to do.

Interrupting

So funny story, I actually had just about finished writing Part 3 of my ponderings on finding a balance when I accidentally hit a button erasing all but the word "would" and the draft was saved just as that happened. I have not yet had the time to remember what I wrote and write again, but right now I am feeling the need to ramble on a different topic.

My life is strange. I've always been filled with doubts and insecurities about myself. Wondering if people are sincere in their affections towards me has always been a constant. I don't find much value in myself. While this area of my life is getting better, there are still many things with which I struggle.

I'm not looking for a guy. At times I think it would be nice...I have days where I just want to cuddle with a nice-smelling boy, but in general, I'm fairly content being single.

But my heart hurts. There are things that I want...so badly...there are things that I'm afraid to vocalize that I want. And I can't have everything I want. And this is okay, really. I mean, I know God is teaching me patience and these experiences will help me encourage others who may go through similar things. But I can't deny that my heart has been broken and it's not completely healed. I've made progress, I've had set backs...it's getting better.
But it's not healed.

I don't know when it will be. Sometimes I think I'm close, that I could move on from everything that's happened in the last 2 years...and then a guy expresses interest and it hits me...I'm still damaged. Never mind the fact that these situations are often complicated enough by themselves...how can I even think about...I have no right.

God has plans for my life. I have to trust that all of this has happened for a reason.
I don't want to be bitter...

Finding a Balance (Part 2)

My last post I laid bare my current struggles with being an artist in a hurting world. Today I continue with part two: my struggles with being a Christian, specifically in America.

As Christians, we are called to be set apart. But we are not called to be separate, if that makes any sense. We are not to just live our selfish lives, ignoring the cries for help from our surroundings. 

We get comfortable. We are American. We get caught up in the materialistic mania that has captured the minds of our society.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with wanting nice things. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having nice things. But that shouldn't be our focus.
A couple of weeks ago, in conversation with a few friends, the topic of money came up. We were discussing what we would do if we suddenly got a lot of money. I couldn't think of anything...other than paying off my loans. But instantly, one person starting listing off all this stuff that he would get, and suggesting things for me to buy for myself.
I feel like that's a pretty common inclination. We want to spend our money.
I don't remember what all was in the list, but it was stuff like a new computer, an ipod, a new phone...
I mean, I would love to have those things. I would love to have an ipod. Music is a huge part of my life. But I have a radio. I have cds. I have Pandora. I don't need anything else. I have a laptop. It's really old and slow, but it's a laptop. It gets my work done.
Sometimes it amazes me how often people get new things like that. How many people really need a droid or an iphone? How do you justify paying for an extra data plan and internet, that you could get along just fine without, when you know that money could be used to benefit someone else's life?

Again, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with having these things. I'm just asking, where is the balance?

How can you justify buying all your clothes from expensive stores when you could just as easily buy used clothes for more than half the price, when you know there are people in the world who don't have the money to buy a coat for the winter?
How can you justify having a closet full of shoes (most of which you hardly wear) when you know there are people who go barefoot every day of their life?
And sure, there are organizations, like TOMS, who donate a pair of shoes when you buy a pair of shoes...but their shoes cost $45-$80 ($100 if you get a pair of boots) and they give one child one pair of shoes. I have to wonder, how much does it cost them to do that? How expensive are they shoes they donate? Could they afford to do more?
And why, in order to be motivated to donate something, do we feel like we have to get something in return? Instead of buying a $50 pair of shoes for ourselves (that we, quite frankly, probably don't really need) and hoping that some little kid will at least have something on his feet, why don't we just buy several pairs of shoes for $50 and donate them?
We do things like benefit auctions, and not that they are at all a bad thing, why do we have to see something we want in order to be willing to have that money go toward getting women out of the sex trade? Why can't we just see that there is a need and give?

Why do we always have to get something to give something?

Of course, I'm not saying that everyone is like this. I know people that freely give time and money to those in need and I admire those people more than I can say.
But is that the Christian majority in America?

What would happen, do you think, if every person in America who claimed to be a Christian decided to get passionate about a cause? If we stopped being comfortable with our lives? Stopped ignoring the starving, dying, hurting people in the world? Stopped spending 90% of our money on ourselves?
What if we started to truly and actively love?

I don't want to be complacent in a middle-class, small church, midwest American life. I want to change the world.

Finding a Balance (Part 1)

I am an artist.
But I'm so much more than just an artist.
Something I've been struggling with lately is balance. Not the typical balancing struggles of a college student (studying vs. hanging out with friends, etc), but a heart-wrenching, can't sleep at night kind of struggle.
There are people in the world that are dying. Dying because they don't have food. Because they don't have basic medical care. Dying because they don't have clean water.
People are dying because they have no hope.
And what am I doing with my life?

I'm getting a degree for a profession that at times seems frivolous and unimportant. Not that I don't love theatre. Not that I don't think it's worth my time. But when I think about it, when I really think about it...
We spend our time and money on the material.
I spend hours every day making clothing that will be worn for one week...and then put on a hanger and tucked away out of sight and out of most minds, hoping that someday it will be used again.
There are people in this world who don't have shoes. And we have boxes of them. And we complain that we have nothing to put on our actors.
I had a four thousand dollars to spend on Cinderella. I spent four thousand dollars on one show. How many people in this world shiver on the streets in the winter because they don't have coats while my actors waltzed around on stage in my costumes?


We complain of inferior equipment. Always wanting better light fixtures, sewing machines, microphones, table saws, whatever.

There are people in this world that are dying. 

How do you balance loving your art...yet knowing that the amount of money you spend on every show could give water to entire villages?

And not just that. How many resources do we use? How much energy, water, whatever, do we use on one show alone? One night of one show? We in America make up so little of the world's population, yet we use more than we deserve.
How much does what we do in theatre affect that?
Are we being good stewards?

I know I'm a theatre snob. When I go to see a show, I judge the quality. I have standards. And my heart is filled with joy and excitement when I see a show that I can admire.

I'm not saying that theatre can't be used to benefit others. I am a firm believer that it can be one of the greatest tools a follower of Christ can have. Theatre has a way of touching people that nothing else can match. It can make people think and feel. I'm part of a drama ministry, I've seen how people have been affected by the message we present.

Theatre gives life in a different way.

What I'm saying is, how do you balance?
How do you justify spending as much time and money on a single show as you do, when the show could very likely be just as effective with a much smaller budget?

How do you balance loving your art with the way your heart feels like it's being wrenched out of you when you think of the quality of life of people in developing countries?

How do you balance?

Note: I am going to be doing a series of posts on similar subjects. Please ponder and comment if you read them. I really do want feedback.

Well...that's over

Cinderella.
A show I hate.
A show that I loved being a part of this week.
A show that I thought would never end.
A show I don't know if I'm quite ready to be over.
A show into which I poured my heart.
A show of which I am proud.

It's time to start on Earnest.
Oh dear.

A Complaint Free World

I'm gonna do it. I received my purple bracelet in the mail today.
I think it needed to happen.
This is gonna be hard. I complain a lot. I mean, that's why I know I need to do it.
I was thinking the other day about what I dislike most about where I am right now. And it really is that I complain too much. I don't want that to be who I am...

I state again, this is gonna be hard.

The things for which I'm longing...

I need to stop complaining.
I need a hug.
I just want to sit and relax and cuddle with a boy. And that is infuriatingly girly of me.
I need to understand that sometimes it's okay to be girly.
I want Cinderella to magically be completed.

I want to go to Thailand.
I need to learn Thai.

I need to hold my niece and nephews and let their innocent joy to seep into my soul.

I need to get some JJ Heller.
I want to meet Glen Hansard.
I want to sing with Glen Hansard.

I need to pray without ceasing.
I need to remember that I don't have to be in control of my life. Someone else has got that.

I need to remember to take my pills.
I need to understand that I can't rely on them to fix my problems.

I want to be filled to overflowing.