Forgetfulness

Sometimes I forget how much I'm loved.
And then my mom bends over backward to let me use a car to hang out with my friends.
And my dad drives a car he hates driving so I can be safe on a road trip. But he makes me pay for gas and clean out the car, which although frustrating, shows that he loves me enough to try to teach me responsibility.
And then friends give me the most wonderful and meaningful presents...which I never expected to get, sometimes knowing that it's something small that will just make me laugh or smile...sometimes knowing that the gift is actually kind of valuable and that I'd not be able to afford it on my own....
And a friend will listen to me rant for the millionth time about something that's bothering me.

Sometimes I forget that people actually want to spend time with me.
And then someone just sits, contented to be with me while I work.
And then someone volunteers to help me with something they don't actually know how to do.
And someone pours out their heart to me until 5 am.

Sometimes I forget that the words I say have impact.
And then my precious sisters ask for my advice...and actually follow it.
And then a friend bursts out laughing at the ridiculousness that comes out of my mouth.
And then sometimes a dear friend is hurt...unintentionally, but hurt nonetheless.

Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.
And then I look around my living room at all the pictures on the wall.
And I see my family and friends.
And I am overwhelmed with love for the beautiful people that I know.
And I thank God for my life.

What if...

What if dreams were real?
What if there were countless alternate realities and parallel universes?
And everything you dreamed about yourself or the people you know was really a window into one of those universes?
What if there was a mental link between all of your selves which is what would allow you to see some of the things that happen to them?
What if this mental link could allow all the mental selves to meet on an astral plane where you could meet all of the versions of yourself?
What if they could answer your what ifs, because for them, it's reality?

What if?

Yay life

So it's not really a secret that I recently started depression medication.
I was pretty nervous about it...I had no idea how I would feel...what it would do to me...
The first couple weeks were definitely strange...
but it's been almost a month now and it's amazing how different I feel. I haven't been stressed out by anything, I haven't been over-worried about anything...and I've been pretty happy.
I was worried about the kind of different I would be. And I think that to some extent I am different, but what I feel like has changed is that I feel more free to do the things, ridiculous things sometimes...to say random things in random voices...to start dancing the "I don't care" dance...which I may or may not have made up...
I feel like I can breathe.

Existence.

I wake up in the morning. I am alive.

I move, I hear, I speak.

I breathe.

But do I think?

            There are questions and responses.

            I answer. It’s a routine. No thought required.

But do I feel?

            I am aware of pressure.

            The water from the showerhead on my body. The carpet below my feet.

            These are not emotions…

But do I see?

            There are buildings, people, colors…

There are leaves that float to the ground as I stand still and watch.

I avoid the gaze of passersby on the sidewalk. I don’t want to know.

Haze. Fog. Clarity no longer.

            Can this be sight?

I exist in the world. I am alive.

I take someone’s hand. There is warmth. She is alive.

            My hands are cold, devoid of heat. Am I alive?

A friend. But do I know her? Does she know me? 

            How can you know someone?

            There are facts that you can memorize. Does this mean anything?

            You can expect things from people, know what they are likely to do.

            Are people so predictable?

Everyone has a story. I have a story. I am alive.

            How much of my story is in my head?

            Is it real?

            Am I merely placed in a body? Am I alive?

The world is filled with stories I’ll never know.

I communicate. I am alive.

Words that beg to be spoken go unheard.

They are only in my eyes.

            If they remain in my head, can they disappear?

            Do they exist?

My truth stays only with me.

            Unexpressed. Does it exist?

I know I exist. 

Am I alive?

Bitterness...

If I don't get what I want...
that means that maybe God has something better in store, right?

Frustrations

I really really really hate being a girl right now. I hate being a stupid, emotional girl.
I need someone to punch me in the face.

October

This month is insanity. I made a list of everything that is just this month...wow...it's been a very long time since I've been this busy.
I'm really looking forward to it.
For some reason I love having too much to do, not knowing how I'm going to get everything done and then somehow finding time to do everything well (for the most part at least).
This year so far has been so strange...not being very involved in Yonkers threw me...I had been having major problems with motivation to do much of anything but sit around and read blog posts. :D But these last two weeks...looking at everything that needs to get done and soon...I have accomplished a lot. I feel my drive coming back.

October...
Bring it on!

Choices...

This has been such a long week. I'm barely doing anything with the play...that's not stressing me out at all...But man there is just so much going on...in theatre, with my family, in all of my friends' lives...It's all so draining...And of course, I try to fix everything...
Sometimes I forget that I make stupid choices...In trying to cheer one friend up, I made a few people upset.
I understand that happens...it's just been a while since something that I specifically did made someone unhappy... I mean, I make all sorts of stupid comments and say snarky things all the time, but I guess even when I accidentally say something I shouldn't have, it's all fine in a matter of minutes.
I know I worry more than I should...I'm sure I'm making this bigger than it is...but man...

I miss my family. I need my sisters.

And here comes tech week.

ANGER!!

So people are stupid.
That's all I have to say about that.

Also, I REALLY hate speeches. There's a reason I stay backstage in theatre.

Words fail.

I'm exhausted.
Today brought up so many feelings from my past...feelings that I thought that I had under control...that I hadn't thought about in years.
Remembering what it was like to feel thoroughly alone, whether that loneliness was caused by being somewhere by yourself, not being able to emotionally connect with even one person while surrounded by a crowd, or whether you are wandering your darkened house in the middle of the night...wishing that one person would hear you...would wake up and stop you from doing the thing you most want and dread.
Loneliness prevails.
It's something that everyone experiences at some point in time in life. For some...there is nothing else. There was a time in my not-so-distant past when that was my life, when every day was filled with such intense loneliness and longing...
And two simple minutes bring all of those memories rushing into my brain...

I thank God that the person I was is no longer who I am...

Sometimes...

Sometimes what you ask for is not what you want.

Sometimes what you want is something you know you can't ask for.

Sometimes the things you most want to say elude your tongue.

Sometimes the things you say lead you further away from what you mean.

Sometimes everything you mean can be expressed in one look.

Sometimes you remain unseen and unheard.

Patience and Selfish Desires

I've never had much patience for anything. Waiting for good things...waiting for bad things to be over...waiting to see if a situation would end up good or bad.
Usually I find a way to get what I want and in a time frame that suits me.
This is wrong.

This is something I've been working on for the last few years...I don't seem to be making a great deal of progress. I have an extremely selfish nature...sometimes I can hide it pretty well, but it's always there.

I want to be better...I try so badly to wait...to trust...to leave my impatience in God's hands and know that he will take care of things in His time.

And sometimes this means that I will not always get what I want.

So now I have a blog

I'm sitting here with not much to do because we haven't started classes yet and it's not dinner time yet and I've unpacked. So I decide to read some of my friends' blogs because I haven't in a while and then I think to myself, I'm gonna start a blog. And then I did...as evidenced by these current ramblings.

So I'm sitting in my new house on Logan...and it's interesting. Thus far I really like all of my housemates, a group of six other girls. And before yesterday I only knew two of them. And I've only had one freak out, which is pretty amazing for me.

I never thought I'd live with this many girls ever again... In fact I've spent most of my college life trying to get away from being around large numbers of people.

But my life is changing. And maybe this is just what I need.