Finding A Balance (Part 3)

Something that has always bothered me, especially recently, is the way most modern women desire to lose weight.

Through all of middle school and half of high school I thought I was fat. I was heavier than most of the girls in my grade and had no idea how to dress in a way that worked with that. It didn't help that my school was fairly small, focused on athletics, and there were a surprising number of families that were fairly well-off. I suck at sports and I didn't have a lot of money so combining that with my perceived weight flaws, I felt extremely out of place and lonely.
Around the time that I was a junior, I decided that I was going to lose weight. I didn't want to be fat anymore. I wanted boys to think I was pretty. I wanted to wear cute clothes that seemed to only come in sizes for tiny people.
So I did. I lost weight...rather unhealthily I might add.

When I graduated high school I weighed 130 pounds. I knew I was unhealthy. But I loved the change that had come from being skinny. People paid more attention to me. Boys flirted with me and told me that I was hott. I fit into clothes that I never imagined I could.
My grandpa stopped telling me I was fat.
I mean, I wasn't happy...even though people had stopped ignoring me, it wasn't like they talked to me because of me. It was more acceptable to be "friends" with someone who was considered attractive. I was still lonely and miserable...trying to find the balance.

After I graduated, I decided I wanted to change my life around. I had gotten into a lot of bad habits in high school (not all of them weight related) and I wanted to be better.
I decided to start eating right...the problem is that I gained a lot of weight very quickly...because that's what your body does when you start eating again after you haven't...
Long story short, over the course of 4 years, I gained 50 pounds (most of that in the first year and a half), graduating college at an even 180. It's probably safe to say that I had completely screwed up my metabolism...

Anyone, especially girls, who has gained a significant amount of weight in a relatively short time knows how horrible of a feeling that is. You think it'd be fun shopping for a whole new wardrobe...yeah not so much when it's because you can't fit into any of your clothes anymore. You feel like your body isn't yours...you can't stand to look in the mirror because all you can see is the revolting fat. You certainly don't feel pretty.
It makes you desperate to lose the weight.

College was so stressful for me that I didn't really have time to work out and if I didn't eat I would pass out...and certain people would scold me...And because I knew that I was paying the consequences of my choices in high school...I think I decided if I kept busy enough I could forget about how much I was gaining. I also had a very serious boyfriend...and while there were breakthroughs in my self-esteem, even he could not convince me that I was attractive.

Towards the end of college, I finally began to let it go. I have some very close friends that are heavier than me that carry the weight confidently and beautifully and it helped me to see that it isn't really what shape you are, but your mentality concerning it. I did do my best to make healthier choices, especially my senior year, and while I wanted to lose weight, it wasn't making me anxious anymore. I wasn't looking in the mirror wishing I was someone else.
The goal shifted from wanting to be skinny to wanting to be healthy, to finding that balance.

I think something a lot of women don't want to accept is that we are all built differently. We can't all be size 2. In fact, most of us should not be. Everyone knows that the media portrays beauty as thin. We see people like Kate Hudson, Megan Fox, Keira Knightley...all incredibly thin. Most of us are not made to be that small. But even women like Sandra Bullock, Mandy Moore, and Drew Barrymore are around a size 8 and most of us are not even made to be that small. It's generally said that the average size for American women is 14, not to say there are not celebrities that are that size...but what do we say about women like that? Things such as "she looks good for her size." Why can't it just be "she looks good"?

It's so frustrating to me that weight has become such a big deal. I understand when mothers say they want to lose weight so they can be healthy so they can set a good example for their children. But I have to wonder...if you are eating healthily and staying active...but you don't lose weight...isn't obsessing over that and trying to come up with new ways to get skinny setting just as bad of an example?

Where is the balance?

Can you be healthy and happy at a heavier weight? Do you need to be skinny to be attractive?

I've recently started watching a lot of makeover shows, specifically What Not to Wear and Style by Jury. One thing that I LOVE about these shows is that they never try to change the body type. They NEVER try to tell the person to lose weight. Actually on Style by Jury I have seen them ask multiple people to gain weight to be healthy.
And it never fails, at the end of the makeover, these women are seen as confident and sexy, no matter what their size.

It's taken me a long time to get where I am. I feel good about myself. I feel happy with my weight. I have apparently lost 10 pounds this summer...and I find it intriguing that it only happened once I stopped thinking about my weight. I'm not trying to lose weight. I am however doing my best to be healthy. And I am a million times happier than I was before.

I wish more people could feel more comfortable in their own skin...even if there's more of it than they'd like.

I wish we could all find a balance.